Brazil’s samba didn’t die—it just got audited. Their dribbles now come with GDPR compliance and 23% fewer defensive transitions than Germany’s spreadsheet wizards. The CBF? More like a crypto wallet with a referee badge. We tracked the last World Cup glory: it was an 8% chance… and the yellow jerseys? Still looking fantastic—but only because no one paid the players. Anyone else still believes in tactics? Nah. Just send the data whisperer to rehab.